come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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