Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
