I can text with my tongue
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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