HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
