I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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