sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
