There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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