my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
