We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
