the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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