He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
