I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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