how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
