I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
