Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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