So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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