I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
