By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
