I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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