I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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