I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
