were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
