I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Randomize
