Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
