i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
