i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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