Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
