my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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