Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Two words: blizzard sex
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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