remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
