Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
