If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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