I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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