i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
