apparently the secret to your success is patron
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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