Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
