The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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