I am in a vortex of obligation.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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