One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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