I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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