I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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