You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
