Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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