It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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