I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
