I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
