You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
