you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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