So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
