My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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