I will die if light touches me.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
