WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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